How am I a functioning adult? | One To Nothin'

How am I a functioning adult?

Since I know you guys love it when I tell you what an idiot I am, (like, seriously.. this post and this post are my two most viewed posts ever) I figured why stop now?

Ever since I moved into my apartment three months ago, I've been telling everyone the wrong address. Luckily it's close enough to the real deal that most of the time I get the mail anyway, but getting the mail simply validated my belief that I was giving out the correct address. This is not the case and was proven to me when I received a piece of mail with the address circled in pen and the words, "NO SUCH BUILDING" right after ordering pizza for myself for the first time. I had to go exploring through my parking lot in my "I don't do mornings" drawstring moose pjs, no bra and no shoes to find homeboy with the vegan pizza because the building I've been telling everyone I live in doesn't exist. COOL. This was my Friday night: pizza, Pretty Little Liars and realizing my ineptitude. 

While we're on the subject, ever since moving in and deciding one day that I needed to take a delicious, relaxing bath, I realized there was no plug for the bath tub. Just holes. I was like, "Why in the eff do I even have a bathtub,"  right? Wrong. My roommate informed me that there's a knob you push up or down depending on if you want the water to drain or not. WITCHCRAFT. I guess I just thought California tubs had little awkward Gonzo noses for no reason at all? 

How am I a functioning adult?

Really, though, I'm not. Last weekend I left my debit card in a bar again (in my defense, I ran out in a hurry in order to not be left at the bar by myself, not because I was too drunk to remember..) but either way the bar refused to let anyone else retrieve it. So Saturday, after taking Ziggy for a 6-miler and watching her sleep with her head under the bed, I ventured into the city to retrieve it. As I was getting ready to go, I decided I needed to wear combat boots because I was feeling like a badass. I was like, you know who doesn't get messed with? The chick wearing a pink dress and some combat boots, duh. This was a severe miscalculation. 

I couldn't refill my card to take the bus since I was not in possession of my debit card, so I had walk the mile to Emma's apartment. No big deal except that I chugged a liter of water before getting on the train and got denied access to three different restrooms. Then I got called a whore by some guy walking with his buddies, followed by a semi driver honking and waving, some pimp-looking dude say, "Hey there, pretty" and slammed into by some person on a crosswalk all while trying to keep my stomach from exploding. Definitely my most traumatic commute thus far, but I retrieved my debit card and we spent the rest of the night talking to super wasted bros in an Irish pub. Oh, then I snugged with Ziggy. Doesn't that top right pic kind of look like an engagement photo? It's cool to be jeally of my beagle romance. Whatevs.

Sunday I made another batch of magic face potion (which seems to be working!), made some vegan almond joys (recipe to come), had a little photo shoot and caught up on some Hart of Dixie. In that clusterfudge of photos above, you can also see the unicorn puke left over from some crafting, Zigz learning how to role play without feeling silly from Cosmo and a personal sized vegan apple crumble made by yours truly.

Linking up with Sami.


  1. Hahaha! You're too cute! And don't worry too much about the plug/drain situation. I spent the first month in our new apartment with a plugged up sink in the guest bathroom, thinking it was broken because I had manually pushed the stopper in and couldn't figure out a way to get it out, only to discover that the lever on the back of the faucet activates and deactivates the plug. Maybe they should start offering a course in these things as part of the Core Curriculum?
    In any case, I blame "Them" and not us. Obviously. We're brilliant. ;)

  2. I totally read the same article from Cosmo this past Saturday night

  3. I JUST BOUGHT A DRAIN PLUG THIS WEEKEND !!!! because the new place we moved into doesn't have one and i just wanna take a bubble bath! what's a girl gotta do to get some suds

  4. I love EVERYTHING in this post!!!
    You are freaking adorable.
    Britt @ One&20

  5. So, I'm moving in to your place and we're going to be best friends and you're going to whip me into shape too, k?

  6. you're SO the best thing ever.
    and did you need me to hurt these people that hurt you? because i will.


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