Moscato-fueled inadequacies | One To Nothin'

Moscato-fueled inadequacies

Preface: This is not a pity party, these are just cold hard facts. I'm pretty okay with all of them as I've gotten this far despite them.
Car Wash
Ever since I went to Tahoe, my car (Betty the blazer) has been COMPLETELY covered in pollen. And unlike in Florida, where it rains every 5 minutes for 5 minutes before the sun comes back out, it has only rained like once since I've been here (almost three months, whoa), so the whole letting mother nature wash my car routine isn't so successful anymore. I kept thinking and obsessing about it until fiinally I had had enough and decided to put my big girl panties on and hit up one of those drive-through car washes.. only to find that they are even more stressful than I had imagined them being. It was around 5pm, so the sun was shining directly into my eyeballs and I couldn't see the tire guider thingamajig, so of course I drove right on the side of it convincing myself that I'm absolutely going to pop my tires. Then I back up to get away from the track and run right over the curb (yes, I drive like a girl, whatever). I finally get it together and drive on the track like I was originally supposed to and see that you pay for this motherf*cker with quarters. Six freaking dollars worth of quarters. WHO HAS 24 QUARTERS?! And by the time I realized there wasn't a slot for my debit car, there was a man in a large SUV behind me, so I had to get out and talk to a strange man (you can imagine my level of anxiety at this point) and ask him to kindly back out of this windy-ass pavement to allow me to do the same (BACKING OUT? IN MY SUV?? ON A CURVE?!??). This kind man did just that and then I somehow managed to back out without destroying ole Betty and drove home in my still-disgusting car crying and bitching myself out for being inadequate (my car is still dirty).

Grocery Shopping
Still feeling flustered, I went running when I got home and realized I hadn't gone grocery shopping in a really long time. So I proceeded to eat dry Cheerios and Sunbutter for dinner. Inadequate.

Damn Jars
So I finally bought groceries (I'm super intimidated by the produce section, by the way) and was feeling like a champion. I got my Lactaid cottage cheese and a jar of peaches because I don't own a can opener. Then I came home for lunch and was all, I am gonna destroy those peaches and cottage cheese! Only to realize that I am also inadequate when it comes to opening jars (oh, right. This is why I'm a recovering serial relationship-ist. Seriously, Nick Miller, any day now). 

I was in my pajamas, Ziggy's sausage bod was spread out across my bed, I got up to pee and when I came back there was a giant Mothera-type insect flying around my room like it owned the place. So I immediately started flailing my arms and other limbs trying to get it out. At this point the bulldog beast arose and joined the now very awake Ziggy and myself to get in on the action. At one point it flew toward me and I practically pulled a muscle in my neck from jerking around trying to make sure it hadn't just nested in my hair. I think I lost it after that and fell asleep. Inadequate.
If I tell you to give me directions, it's because I actually don't know where I'm going. DO NOT test to see if I actually do know even if we literally just came from the opposite direction or drove there an hour prior. I don't. I'm not a liar and I really am directionally challenged. It's a handicap. Don't mess with me. Inadequate.

Parallel Parking
I will park a quarter mile away from my destination before attempting to parallel park in the perfectly good spot directly in front of said destination. I even had my friend, who drives a car much smaller than mine, do it for me the other day. It's a problem. I blame Florida Driver's Ed for never making me learn. And that concludes the reasons why I am inadequate for today.
Congrats if you made it through the first anecdote, let alone this sentence. Your attention span deserves a medal.


  1. Ha-ha I need to drink-n'blog more often.

  2. I'm with ya on the being directionally challenged bit. I hate driving new places because I am so afraid of getting lost.

  3. LOVE this post!
    My inadequacies aren't so hilarious... *sigh*

  4. Idk what I would have done in the car wash situation! Probably sat there and cried and called my parents or boyfriend lol. You are brave for getting out and asking that guy to move, I'd have been too chicken! I can't parallel park either! And once I had to get some guy to back my car out of it's spot in college because someone had parked close. I've also locked my keys in the car, with it running.. Twice. :-/

  5. Haha! Hilarious! That first GIF was amazing.

  6. Um...yeah...this basically describes me exactly. I mean those car washes...seriously. Who designed those? Freakin obstacle course! And don't even get me started on bugs and parallel parking. Yeah. You must be writing about me...

  7. Oh my goodness I thought it was your car in that car wash for a second! I am now officially terrified I ever taking my car back to the car wash!!
    Diane @


  9. gosh i hate directions. i hate taking them down and remembering them. i hate giving them. even if i am using google maps on my phone. i still manage to get it wrong and do U-turns (which are illegal in oregon). struggle street. of the literal sense.


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