I have flipped through so many emotions in the past few weeks, from crippling anxiety and severe feelings of inadequacy to intense excitement and inexplicable hopefulness. I tend to flip through emotions a lot. It can be truly obnoxious, but then it's nice to know that the moments of despair probably won't last long. At the worst I'll have myself a good shower cry and fall asleep thinking about regrets, missed opportunities and unfair life comparisons just to wake up grateful for the sun, the sky and the sweetest baby face there is.
Sometimes I wonder why I decided to make things harder for myself. Moving to California wasn't the smartest move literally or figuratively: I moved away from a part-time job in the exact field I majored in that probably would've turned into a full-time one, a relationship that actually seemed promising, my entire family who love and support me in so many ways and away from the only state I've ever known and right into the grips of the most expensive one possible.
April 19th marked my one year anniversary of living in the Golden State and while looking back at the pictures and memories made in the past 12 months makes me immensely happy, it hasn't been easy. No, I never went hungry or slept on the floor of a sketchy hostel or anything, but not having a group of friends to hit happy hour with, family to celebrate holidays with or anyone to cuddle with besides Ziggy has been tough. On the one hand, I've never felt more independent in my life. I pay my own rent, I am responsible for taking my dog to the vet and doing my taxes, I've proven to myself that I don't need a man to feel whole, but I thought I would find answers and I'm just as lost as I was before.
I've mentioned the many breakdowns I've had in relation to my career on here and I certainly haven't let on the extent of my breakdowns in matters of the heart, but they've been hovering in the background I assure you. It seems that I can never quite get it together and I'd like to think it's because I'm not willing to settle, but maybe I'm just afraid. Afraid of letting go of my old life, afraid of tying myself to a place so far away from the people who love me the most and afraid of moving on. There have been moments in the past year where I felt like everything was exactly where it was supposed to be. My dream job, my dream guy and all while living in my dream location. I felt like moving here was my destiny and just by listening to my heart, I had found exactly what I had come here for.
Turns out, for the most part, I was wrong. There have been times when I felt like packing my dog into my car and just driving until I reached the Sunshine State so I could hug my mom and feel safe. There have been times when I thought of moving to a new state completely and just continuing my exploration of the US. There have been times when I've been so overwhelmed that I just lay in my bed instead of making any effort to move forward. And then there are times when I realize the truth.
The truth is, it doesn't matter what my job or love life looks like right now. The truth is, just being here and experiencing this place, the good and the bad, is exactly what I needed and still need right now. I'm not ready to settle down in any sense. I'm not ready to start a family or be in a position where I work 40 hours a week in an office where I can't see the hills outside for the next 10 years. I want to travel the world, I want to go on terrible first dates, I want to be selfish, I want to live right now so when I am ready for that ring, that mortgage, that family, that complete selflessness, I can write. I want to have stories for my grandkids and not just stories about that small town I was born in.
This is my adventure and the uncertainty, confusion and craziness of it is what makes it an adventure. One day I will figure it out. I'll find my dream job, my dream guy and my dream home, but right now, this is my dream. Sometimes dreams are scary.