very emotion, much feel | One To Nothin'

very emotion, much feel


I have flipped through so many emotions in the past few weeks, from crippling anxiety and severe feelings of inadequacy to intense excitement and inexplicable hopefulness. I tend to flip through emotions a lot. It can be truly obnoxious, but then it's nice to know that the moments of despair probably won't last long. At the worst I'll have myself a good shower cry and fall asleep thinking about regrets, missed opportunities and unfair life comparisons just to wake up grateful for the sun, the sky and the sweetest baby face there is.

Sometimes I wonder why I decided to make things harder for myself. Moving to California wasn't the smartest move literally or figuratively: I moved away from a part-time job in the exact field I majored in that probably would've turned into a full-time one, a relationship that actually seemed promising, my entire family who love and support me in so many ways and away from the only state I've ever known and right into the grips of the most expensive one possible.

April 19th marked my one year anniversary of living in the Golden State and while looking back at the pictures and memories made in the past 12 months makes me immensely happy, it hasn't been easy. No, I never went hungry or slept on the floor of a sketchy hostel or anything, but not having a group of friends to hit happy hour with, family to celebrate holidays with or anyone to cuddle with besides Ziggy has been tough. On the one hand, I've never felt more independent in my life. I pay my own rent, I am responsible for taking my dog to the vet and doing my taxes, I've proven to myself that I don't need a man to feel whole, but I thought I would find answers and I'm just as lost as I was before.

I've mentioned the many breakdowns I've had in relation to my career on here and I certainly haven't let on the extent of my breakdowns in matters of the heart, but they've been hovering in the background I assure you. It seems that I can never quite get it together and I'd like to think it's because I'm not willing to settle, but maybe I'm just afraid. Afraid of letting go of my old life, afraid of tying myself to a place so far away from the people who love me the most and afraid of moving on. There have been moments in the past year where I felt like everything was exactly where it was supposed to be. My dream job, my dream guy and all while living in my dream location. I felt like moving here was my destiny and just by listening to my heart, I had found exactly what I had come here for.

Turns out, for the most part, I was wrong. There have been times when I felt like packing my dog into my car and just driving until I reached the Sunshine State so I could hug my mom and feel safe. There have been times when I thought of moving to a new state completely and just continuing my exploration of the US. There have been times when I've been so overwhelmed that I just lay in my bed instead of making any effort to move forward. And then there are times when I realize the truth.

The truth is, it doesn't matter what my job or love life looks like right now. The truth is, just being here and experiencing this place, the good and the bad, is exactly what I needed and still need right now. I'm not ready to settle down in any sense. I'm not ready to start a family or be in a position where I work 40 hours a week in an office where I can't see the hills outside for the next 10 years. I want to travel the world, I want to go on terrible first dates, I want to be selfish, I want to live right now so when I am ready for that ring, that mortgage, that family, that complete selflessness, I can write. I want to have stories for my grandkids and not just stories about that small town I was born in.

This is my adventure and the uncertainty, confusion and craziness of it is what makes it an adventure. One day I will figure it out. I'll find my dream job, my dream guy and my dream home, but right now, this is my dream. Sometimes dreams are scary.

12 comments:

  1. My heart. i feel for this girl. good for you for living outside of your comfort zone and learning so many valuable lessons <3

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  2. you're going to have such a great story to write even if it isn't always the easiest one sometimes!

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  3. that is such a brave decision. i think growing up is scary.. especially the part where you're heading towards it, but not quite there. i moved to another country to leave things behind and to start something new, but what i found was myself. over and over again. before anything, you have to learn what you want and what it means to be you.

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  4. I loved this post, so real, so honest and so inspiring!

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  5. What a great realization! Despite the hard times and the good times, right where you are is exactly where you need to be.
    God bless you as your continue on your path of self exploration!

    Amanda Rose
    sewmuch2say.com

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  6. What I love about your free spirit is that it has purpose and meaning. You impress me every day, beautiful woman, you.

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  7. I envy your bravery in making the big and difficult decision to do something like move across the country because it felt right. Seems like it was and still is the right choice for you, but that doesn't mean it will always be easy. The challenging moments are the ones in which we come to know ourselves, in which we grow. The challenging moments help us create our dreams, I think, which I agree are scary. Keep on keeping on though, and know you have bunches of internet friends cheering you on as you keep moving forward! :)

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  8. Um... Hey soul sister.
    I'm pretty sure we were destined to be friends and that "meeting" wasn't an accident. I literally just wrote about this exact topic in my journal... I understand your feelings, completely! Not just from this move I've just taken, but from others I've done before. I understand that uncertainty and those questions. And I understand that it may always be like this.

    So I just thought you should know- you're not alone. :)

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  9. Dreaming is never selfish. Dreaming is the I can do it, I can have it, I deserve it of life ...

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  10. This is sooooo me right now. I want to spend at least the next few years doing exactly what I'm being led to do without letting anyone or anything hold me back.

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  11. When I lived at the beach last spring, I thought I would be blissfully content every second of every day, but then I missed all of my loves so much. When they joined me there, it suddenly all made sense. I need both. I 100% need to live at the beach, and I %100 need to be with my family. Solution: I guess we all just have to move to the beach. Or I have to make millions so I can fly back and forth a few times a month. I'm open. ;) Hang in there! No matter where life takes you, you will NEVER regret this decision. It's going to be a foundational part of who you are forever. Keep your chin up, pretty one!

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  12. Let me tell you, this resonates with me like no other. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions lately, and I'm sure from the outside it looks like I'm losing it completely (maybe I am, a little) but I know it's just personal growth, and that's not easy.

    I'm like you in the sense that I'm not ready to settle (down, or otherwise). I want adventure, and lately I've been putting myself in situations with the mental state of, "If nothing else, this will make a great story."

    I loved this!

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