That's me trying to look flirty or something.
I haven't talked too much about dating around these parts and there are some very good reasons for that, but in case you were wondering, I do have a romantic life, it's just hidden (unless we're Snapchat friends in which case over-sharing is caring). I feel like introducing readers to a new dude is an even bigger deal than becoming FBO (or do people even do that anymore? Shows how close I've been to that kind of commitment in recent years. Or does it show how old I am that I still go on Facebook? Anyway..). The point is, dating is hard and awkward and sometimes really fun, but we all have our dating "deal breakers" and these are mine.
Doesn't like dogs. But more specifically, doesn't like my dog. Fake it 'til you make it, bro. We're a packaged deal.
Chews with his mouth open, sucks at his teeth or makes otherwise disgusting mouth noises on a regular basis. I'm cringing just thinking about it.
Wears socks with flip flops. The thong kind. It happens. I've seen it. And while we're on the subject of footwear, he should not own Crocs unless he's doing it ironically.. like a Snuggie. Even then it's iffy.
Says "probally," "libarry" or "nucular." Just no.
Has poor texting etiquette, for example excessive use of "lol," emoticons (unless they're smiley poo emojis--total exception), random CAPITALS and poor grammar. I'm totally not a grammar nazi when it comes to texting, but I can only take so many "definAtely" and "wIerd" spellings before I break.
Likes any of the following music artists: Nickelback, Creed, Daughtry, John Mayer, Darius Rucker, Slipknot, Korn, ICP, Chris Brown.
Wears excessive man jewelry. In fact, most man jewelry is excessive unless it's a wedding ring and that is a definite deal breaker.
Has a neck tattoo. Or a butterfly tattoo. Or a Chinese symbol. Or barbed wire. Or anything cliche or vulgar permanently etched on his body.
Has piercings. Ear piercings that have since grown over can be overlooked. Also, the inner baby punk rocker in me doesn't hate small plugs. If I can stick my finger through it, then no (that sounds dirty).
Claims Scarlett Johansson is his dream girl. I hate her so hard.
Smokes cigarettes or dips. So so very unattractive.
Is terrible with directions. There's only room in a relationship for one person to be lost all the time and I'll tell you right now, that person is me.
Takes longer to get ready, takes more selfies, wears more product in his hair or stresses about his weight more than I do.
Spends the majority of his time playing video games.
Has an *active* Tinder account. You know what I'm talking about.
Doesn't like playing One to Nothin', Truth or Dare and other similar, pointless, ridiculous and wonderful games.
Refuses to try spamburgers. You don't even know what you're missing, bro.
Doesn't like exploring. My dude has to be down for stopping the car the second we see a sign for the world's largest ball of twine or a playground we have to play on. He doesn't have to ask for directions when we get lost, but he has to appreciate the adventure, stay cool under pressure (when I'm freaking out) and he has to want to make out with me in the car, in the rain, under the stars even after we've been together for 4, 16 or 32 years.
But most importantly he has to love me a whole lot. Like, a whoooole lot.
That's not asking too much, is it?
What are your dating deal breakers?