Who names their kid "The Beast"? | One To Nothin'

Who names their kid "The Beast"?

Friday night I went to a "Beauty and the Beast" singalong at the Castro Theater. It was pretty fabulous especially since we each got our own crown, pearls and a fork, which I assume was supposed to be used to kill the beast? Either way seeing this classic up on the big screen brought up some serious questions about the movie's plot I had never considered before. Like, how old is "The Beast" when the fairy princess lady puts a spell on him? Because according to Lumiere, "For 10 years we've all been rusting, needing so much more than dusting," and supposedly homeboy has to find true love by his 21st birthday (which if you ask me is pretty damn young to have found your true love, but maybe that's just the jaded, single 24 year old in me talking). That means he was 11 when that curse was put on the castle, but he does not look 11 in that opening scene and shouldn't an 11 year old's parents be home when strangers come around offering roses and what not? Did they peace out when they realized their son was now a beast? If so, I understand why he's such a d-bag. Also, why was this fairy princess whatever lady fine with cursing the entire castle? Chip is a child for heaven's sake! He didn't do anything to spend the first decade of his life as a teacup! And where is Mr. Pott's anyway? Chip's mama tells him to be off to the cupboard with all his 'brothers and sisters.' Um.. what? Why were Mrs. Pott's and all her illegitimate children living inside of this castle? And, again, shouldn't this lady have taken all the babies in the castle into consideration before blindly casting such an awful spell on it? She sounds like an evil witch to me. Maybe The Beast was right to turn that crazy biatch away. I'd also like to know why everyone else has a human name and the beast just remains "The Beast" until the end despite the fact that he was a prince. We also all just glaze over the fact that Gaston is dead. Like, he fell off the castle. That's a bit morbid, no? Lastly, if "Crazy Old Maurice" is so crazy for describing a beast, why is everyone so quick to take Belle's word when she whips out an enchanted mirror? A 10-foot beast is insane, but enchanted mirrors? Totally normal. Let's go kill that beast. So many questions. 
Saturday night I went to see Dan Croll play at the Great American Music Hall. The venue was beautiful and the band rocked it. A couple of awesome gay guys bought me a tequila shot, I danced the night away and I didn't even think to take any selfies. Far less unanswered questions came from my Saturday night excursions. Overall, I had a pretty kick ass weekend. How was yours?


  1. I want to compliment your soul. or something like that. also I have always thought these same questions every time I watch beauty and the beast!!!!

  2. Dude. It's magic. You can't question magic. You just sit back and enjoy as the tall, brunettey bookworm princess does her thing, tells Gaston to shove off, and saves the prince at the end of the day. Also, I don't think anyone got older during the enchantment, so maybe he was 20 when he got cursed and the evil witch drug out that year of his life for 10 years. I mean, it's magic. Whatev. And I want it. #clearlyverypassionateaboutmydisneyprincesses

  3. This makes me all kinds of happy, mad and confused. Who can answer these questions for us?

  4. Hahah this is hilarious!! I love it! There are so many holes in every movie. Love your blog! new reader here!

  5. Lmao throughout this post! I pretty much over-analyze and dissect every single movie I watch - all in the name of humor, of course! You should hear my thoughts on Twilight. Lol.

    ♥ Duckie.

  6. i could recite the entire beauty & The Beast script verbatim and im not even a little embarrassed by that.

    if it's not baroque, don't fix it!


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