We've been fed some pretty bad relationship advice over the years, guys. I mean, everyone acts shocked that divorce is so pervasive, but with advice of the Top 20 variety, how can we be surprised? Don't get me wrong, this is not an anti-divorce, pro-family values post (do you know me at all?), this is a let's-laugh-at-some-of-the-shit-people-sing-about-on-the-radio kind of post. Let's get to it, shall we?
"Hit Him Up Style (oops)" - Blu Cantrell
Ms. Catrell's got some sage advice for you, ladies. If he cheats on you, just steal all his stuff! That'll teach him. If he can't keep it in his pants, he doesn't get to HAVE pants.
"Hey Ladies, when your man wanna get buck wild / Just go back and hit 'em up style / Put your hands on his cash / And spend it to the last dime / For all the hard times / Oh, when you go then everything goes / From the crib to the ride and the clothes / So you better let him know that / If he messed up you gotta hit 'em up"
"Better Dig Two" - The Band Perry
Heartache sucks. I get it, but according to The Band Perry, the only alternative to divorce is death, and if you ask me, that's nucking futs. Match.com is there for you, girl, and if that doesn't work, there's always It's Our Time. Put away the noose. Now.
"So if the ties that bind ever do come loose / Tie 'em in a knot like a hangman's noose / 'Cause I'll go to heaven or I'll go to hell / Before I'll see you with someone else / Put me in the ground / Put me six foot down / And let the stone say, "Here lies the girl whose only crutch / Was loving one man just a little too much." / If you go before I do, I'm gonna tell the gravedigger that he better dig two"
"Want U Back" - Cher Lloyd
I'm a big fan of honesty, so this brutally honest song is actually right up my alley, but it's pretty messed up nonetheless. Basically, if you break up with your boo because you think you can do better, then you see him happy with someone else, just tell him you want him back! You can't let your ex go around to restaurants that the two of you used to go to while the new skank-face is rockin' ugly jeans, jeans, jeans after all.
"Boy you can say anything you wanna / I don't give a shh, no one else can have ya / I want you back I want you back want you, want you back / I broke it off thinking you'd be cryin' / Now I feel like shh looking at you flyin' / I want you back I want you back Wa-want you, want you back UH"
"Creep" - TLC
If your man is cheating on you, but you love him so so very much, then just cheat on him right back! He's not giving you the affection you want, no NEED, so just get it from someone else and return to your clearly-very-healthy relationship knowing deep down that the playing field is even and everything is just fine.
"I love my man with all honesty / But I know he's cheatin' on me / I look him in his eyes but all he / Tells me is lies to keep me near / I'll never leave him down though / I might mess around it's only / 'Cause I need some affection / So I creep yeah / Just keep it on the down low / Said nobody is supposed to know / So I creep yeah / 'Cause he doesn't know / What I do and no attention goes to show / So I creep"
"Always Be My Baby" - Mariah Cary
If your partner tries to break up with you, just say, "No." He doesn't know it yet, but he'll understand if you just let him know that he's wrong. He might think he wants it to be over, but he's never going to get rid of you because you're a part of him indefinitely. Don't worry, girl, he'll always be your baby.
"We were as one babe / For a moment in time / And it seemed everlasting / That you would always be mine / Now you wanna be free / So I'm letting you fly / 'Cause I know in my heart babe / Our love will never die / You'll always be a part of me / I'm part of you indefinitely / Boy don't you know you can't escape me / Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby / And we'll linger on / Time can't erase a feeling this strong / No way, you're never gonna shake me / Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby"
"Single Ladies" - Beyonce
Your relationship means nothing unless he gives you a diamond ring. Don't let anyone tell you different.
"'Cause if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it / If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it / Don't be mad once you see that he want it / 'Cause if you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it"
"Lips Are Movin" - Meghan Trainor
If you think your man is being untruthful, just look at his lips. If they're moving, then he's full of shit. It's as easy at that.
"I know you lie / 'Cause your lips are moving / Tell me do you think I'm dumb? / I might be young, but I ain't stupid / Talking around in circles with your tongue / I gave you bass / You gave me sweet talk / Saying how I’m your number one / But I know you lie / 'Cause your lips are moving"
"Marry You" - Bruno Mars
Life is boring sometimes, you know? You're just driving around and there's NOTHING to do, so here's the solution: get married! What could possibly be more exciting? Who cares if you're trashed? Marriage is always the answer to boredom!
"It's a beautiful night / We're looking for something dumb to do / Hey baby, I think I want to marry you / Is it the look in your eyes? / Or is it these dancing juice? / Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you / Well I know this little chapel on the boulevard we can go / No one will know / Oh come on girl / Who cares if we're trashed got a pocket full of cash we can blow / Shots of patron / And it's on girl"
Just imagine if your brain was as malleable and porous as some would have us think; we'd all be accusing each other of lying because of our mobile lips and jumping off bridges every time our last-minute drunken marriages fail.
Did I miss any?