A moment of reflection | One To Nothin'

A moment of reflection

I've had a lot of time on my hands lately. During the week when my roommate and only two friends in this strange new place go off to work, I am free to cuddle my dog and sit down at the computer to reflect on my life, goals and current situation. Sure, there's also a lot of puzzle making, Netflix-ing, eating and running (and maybe some loneliness) involved too, but while in this in-between period of waiting to hear back from interviews and applying to any and every job listing I see, I definitely get some me-on-me time.

I never really knew what I wanted to "do" when I grew up. Even in college when I was forced to pick my major at preview, I chose journalism because my sister told me that's how I could become an editor. And I only thought I should be an editor because I was the obnoxious kid pointing out grammatical errors everywhere we went. Maybe that is a good indicator, but that doesn't mean I'm passionate about it. I never came across a major I thought I'd like better though, so I never changed it.

I know I love to write in this blog. That's why I've stuck with it for almost two years now. I love seeing my name in print and showing my mom my most recently published article, but I'm not in love with the articles I write. I realize not everyone lives for her job. Few people are lucky enough to wake up excited about doing the job they have chosen, to feel passionate toward their career path for years on end, but some people are. And I want to be one of them.

Last night I thought deeply about the things I'm passionate about and the things I would really love to learn. It went something like: music, writing, photography, Photoshop, html/CSS, design, running. I started thinking about the things I used to love that have been pushed aside multiple times in my life: performing, singing, drawing, painting, playing soccer, dancing, playing guitar.

I realized there are many things I stopped doing because I believed I wasn't good enough at them. I think there have been times when instead of pushing myself to be better, I tried something else to see if I was already better at it. At the end of the day I chose to forget how much fun these things were despite not being the best at them.

Now that I'm trying to find a career and settle into some sort of routine, I still don't know what I want to be, and I'm certainly not in a place (or economy) to be too picky about it. But I can do the things I love anyway. Even if my job is a chore for now, whatever it may be, if I continue to learn and pursue the things I enjoy (regardless of how great or lousy I am at them) I believe I will be satisfied.

For now, what I want to "be" is creative. This blog has been the best creative outlet for me for the past two years. I want to actively pursue greatness with it, too. I want to learn html, photography and photoshop so that I can improve my skill set and churn out better and more beautiful content every day. 

And if I have to serve tables until I can afford a badass camera, photography lessons and Adobe Creative Suite, then so be it. My goal is to keep learning. No matter how hopeless or lost I feel, I must keep learning and something will come of it eventually. I am confident of that.


  1. This is awesome. I relate on so many levels. Sometimes the level of dread I have for going back to work on Monday mornings makes me think 'I should be doing something I just can't WAIT to go do'. But then I think that's probably something everyone feels from time to time. Like my mom says, we're still so young. That's the great thing I guess.

  2. ugh, career. when you find a good one, let me know. i am still searching for mine.

  3. Great, great post. I think finding something (like blogging) to pursue your passion (creativity) while doing your chore (job) each day is the best way to make it through.

    I switched from journalism to English because I didn't know what the heck I wanted to do. I don't even use my degree, but I have a steady job that is technically a career. I can't wait to accomplish my passion, though.

  4. I can relate to this quite a bit, I've tried a couple different careers thinking that I would really enjoy working there.. and having it turn out to be a disaster. I was the same way while I was in college - I thought I really wanted to do one thing, but quickly realized it wasn't at all what I wanted to do. I changed my major three times in three quarters.. Indecisive much? Ha ha! One day we will figure it out :D

  5. Awesome post! I think it's great that you're able to use blogging as a creative outlet. :)
    xoxo Aimee of Bows&Beau-ties

  6. This post made me cry because I can relate to it so much. (And because I'm such a giant fucking baby.) Anyways, a-freken-men, I hope you find what you're looking for and even though you're okay with it, I hope you don't have to wait tables your whole life to achieve what you want to achieve. I think what I'm saying is I hope you marry well so that you can just do what you love/want to do.

    Is that bad that I said that?


  7. That's an amazing way to look at this. As I can see with many others, this relates to me so well right now and has definitely given me a different way to look at things. Coming back to the states, still not knowing what I want to do/what I'm good at/ what my passions are, has caused a little stress but now I can rest more in knowing and remembering I don't have to know exactly what I should be doing in work, as long as I keep doing what I love on the side. GREAT post as with all of yours. Would you mind if I shared it in my blog? Couldn't say it better myself.

  8. oh my sammy. she's too fun.
    i think it's too damn hard to reconcile real life to what we had always hoped for. it's hard to sometimes come to terms with the fact that what we wanted to do and what we actually have to do aren't always going to line up.

    i hope you find something that you truly love. and if you don't and end up at some shit restaurant for awhile then you know who you can to and bitch about it with.

  9. I love this post - and feel exactly the way you do!!

  10. I love this post because it's the truth. I think even people that have decided on what they want to do eventually want to do something else. I just try to go with the flow. I'm 26 and still not working in my "career" full time. It's interesting how life goes but I truly believe every experience is leading up to something great. Just follow your heart and try your best, that's my motto!

  11. Hey MacKensie! This is Caitin Hartigan, I found your blog via Ocala Style online so I'm a little late to the game, but I wanted to let you know as far as learning photoshop is concerned you can buy a 3-month subscription for photoshop CS6 for ~$60 at Staples. That's what I did. And there's thousands of tutorials online that teach you everything from how to draw a line to creating an epic visual masterpiece, you just gotta know where to look (TRY http://www.photoshopessentials.com/). It's doable! =) If you really wanna learn but don't wanna shell out the $700 (read: arm + leg + firstborn + tax), that's one way to do it.

    Wish you all the best,

  12. "I tried something else to see if I was already better at it"

    I do this *all* the time. Instead of actually giving whatever it is I'm currently doing a chance and for myself to improve, I convince myself I'm no good and move on, thinking the other thing will just come naturally. Obviously, it doesn't and like many other things, it takes time to "click". And yet, time after time, I give up and move on to the next thing and then impatiently think "oh why aren't I AMAZING at this yet?!"

    Thanks for a great post.




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