Everyone has normal pet peeves. I will want to punch you straight in the baby maker if you chew with your mouth open or suck at your teeth or make any mouth noises in my presence. And chalkboard scratching makes my ear holes want to implode just like the rest of the universe, but I want to discuss the others. The innocent things, phrases, actions, people that don't deserve it but receive my silent hatred and serious brain shade on a daily basis anyway. Here goes.
The real things are fine. If I see one flying by, I don't try to smash it or anything. Sometimes I even think they're pretty, but as soon as a butterfly is painted, sewn, sketched, printed, carved, molded or bejeweled, I want to vomit all over it. There have been times when I saw a busy clothing item I thought I was interested in trying on and as soon as the winged creature became clear I recoiled in disgust. You will never see me rocking clothing or jewelry with any sort of butterfly depicted on it. This is one thing I know for sure. Don't get me started on butterfly tattoos.
When people describe what they're about to do as "well deserved," I want to give them a roundhouse kick to the face. This often happens on Facebook when friends tell the interwebz they're "about to take a well deserved bath/nap/vacation" or "get a well deserved cocktail/manicure" or "just got a well deserved pumpkin spiced/peppermint mocha/gingerbread latte"--accompanied by a photo of it, of course, because Starbucks cups are unique pieces of caffeinated art. I think it's the sense of entitlement or the arrogance implied, as if this person works harder than everyone else who isn't soaking in their own filth/getting their cuticles ripped off/drinking sugar milk at this very moment. Perhaps something more along the lines of, "I'm so proud of myself for accomplishing _____ this week. Celebrating with a mani/pedi!" would've gained you one more 'like' from this guy.
Even the way her name is spelled sucks (mainly because I had to look it up to make sure it was right, but still). Maybe it's because she married Ryan Reynolds or because she played a husband stealer in "He's Just Not That Into You" or because she spent a lot of time with eyebrows that were much darker than her hair, but she annoys me in a special way.
ALL the FB apps
If you ever played Farmville, CandyCrush, SororityLife or whatever those damn games on Facebook that require you to send invitations to your friends are, I'm sorry that you have fallen in this trap, but stop trying to bring others down with you. Just click "skip," this is almost always an option. And if you're more of a practical FB apps kind of dude, then I say, if you really need an extra reminder of who your family members are/when birthdays are/what your horoscope is, then do it, but you do not have to invite all of your friends to it as well. If you can't remember that we're related without a FB app, then maybe we should get dinner or blood tests or anything other than making it Facebook official with obnoxious apps.
There are tons of perfectly good reasons why this term should annoy me (unhealthy body image, encouraging eating disorders, reinforcing a stereotype..), but the one that doesn't really make sense is just the word "gap" itself. Some how I interchange "gap" with "gaping" in my brain, which in turn makes it a "gaping hole," which makes for a pretty graphic and gross image of women's thighs with tendons and blood pouring out of their gaping holes. Just no.
Remember Hootie & the Blowfish? Yea, me too. Riddle me this, how does one go from creating ridiculously catchy songs like this, this and this with a fun rock band to a solo career in country in which you succeed in completely destroying the likes of a wonderful song like this? Not cool, man. Not cool.
What do you throw brain shade at for no good reason?