If you haven't met Ziggy Stardust yet, allow me to introduce my sausage dog:
Yes, she's a lady and yes, she is named after a badass male rockstar's androgynous alter ego. And she does some weird shit (but she doesn't kidnap infants, thank god).
She goes to town on my sweaty legs after I run. Every single time I work out, she go nuts licking my sweat off. I mean, it's salt water but grosser and she loves it (this also applies to tears). I don't get it. She also finds every cut/scab/blister on my body and li-li-licks it like a lollipop.
She does human things like hunting for Easter eggs and eating them afterward, except the longer the eggs sit out in the sun and the worse they smell, the better she likes them. She also sits on couches like a damn lady.
She refuses to sit in the backseat of Betty the Blazer because awkwardly standing with her front legs on the center console and back legs on the backseat is way more comfortable (especially when we make sharp turns and she slams her head against me, Night at the Roxbury style).
She helps me work out in the worst way possible. When I do downward facing dog, she does upward facing dog under me. She also uses her nose to open cabinets containing treats that her fatty self shouldn't be eating and binge eats the box (resulting in poop outings every five minutes all night long).
This one's a new development. She is no longer okay with pooping in regular old grass like a peasant pup, she must have the finest of shrubbery worthy of her shit. Also, she likes to stop mid-run to do her business, usually when I'm on a roll.
She shoves her body as far as it will go under the bed, and when she's on top of the bed, she spoons with me under the covers. If she starts on top of the covers and wants in the sauna, she paws at my head until I lift them up for her. She then positions her butt right in my face so she can properly Dutch oven me all night long.
And sometimes she spoons with my roommate's dog, Bro, too.
Now go back that azz up with Whitney Pants.