What have you carried and gnawed over? | One To Nothin'

What have you carried and gnawed over?


It was under the hot, steamy pressure of the shower head that it got too heavy for me. I stepped out of the bathroom in a towel, soggy and sobbing in the middle of the living room. 

About a month before college graduation, and I didn't know how to measure my life anymore. No more semesters, credits, guidance or four-year increments. My roommate cooed and consoled me, but I felt like I was drowning and I’ve been treading water ever since. 

I reached out at any new life plan I could find. I got an internship. I moved home. I started school again. Then quit. I got shitty jobs. The only other constant besides school was the boyfriend and suddenly he was gone too. I partied. I distracted myself with ill-matched suitors. I splashed around and devised a plan. 

I had support and love from my family and a friend, which were the best things I could’ve had. Even as the plan started to come to life, I felt far away as my Florida born and raised mouth formed the words, “I’m moving to California.” 

I was going. That was it. I didn’t know if I would find a job or an apartment, to be honest I felt like I was watching it all happen from the outside, so I wasn’t even sure I was actually going. But I did. I went. I’m here. Almost a year later and I’m still here. 

I’ve learned a great deal about myself. My taste in food, wine, clothing and people has changed. I’ve never seen so many hills, buildings or people who care so passionately about anything before. There are so many things about this place that make me feel alive, but I’m still struggling.

It’s been kind of blurry, but there are moments of clarity where I come up long enough to take a breath. Just when I think I’m there, though, I get pulled back under. 

I’m closer to where I want to be than I’ve ever been before. I know the things I’m passionate about, but I don’t know what to do with them or how. The breaths that gave me bubbly insides, like the job that was going to launch my career and the relationship that was going to change my thought patterns, were dead ends. 

It seems like my pruny fingers should’ve grasped onto something by now, but my expectations might just be too high. Maybe I’m not ready to graduate from this transitional period early. Maybe I’ll figure it out in 2015 after I’ve given it a solid four years. 

Maybe not. 

I’m tired and my muscles are fatigued, but I’m not ready to stop paddling. In the meantime I’ll just try to relax. Maybe that’s all I need to do to stay afloat. 

This post is in response to the following prompt: "What's been on your mind? What have you carried and gnawed over?" (From Old Friend From Far Away, page 154) See more prompts from Megan here.

5 comments:

  1. move to portland and we can tread together.

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  2. I definitely know where you're coming from! I'm in one of those a little now. College graduation is a really, really rough transitional phase. But I think one day, once you feel more settled, you will be so grateful to your current self for taking risks and carrying on in the uncertainty. It'll make it all worthwhile.

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  3. I second Brooke's comment. We can tread water cuter than a 5 month old puppy.

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  4. I can totally relate to this! I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I mean yes, I'm engaged and travelling around with my hockey playing fiance, but I still don't know what I'm doing with my life. I haven't done anything with my degree and I constantly feel bad about myself for that. My dad spent a lot of money on my high school and college and I have nothing to show for it. I see all of my friends with great careers and I feel awful. It's something that constantly bothers me. Hang in there. We will figure it out!

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  5. I love this post!
    I feel like I hit the drowning point last year and I am think I am slowly moving in the direction of where I want to be now. I'm so excited, but it took sooooo long to get here.

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