Unsolicited dating advice | One To Nothin'

Unsolicited dating advice

I am no Carrie Bradshaw by any means, but as a single mid-twenties lady in a sea of engaged, married and knocked up bloggers, I thought I'd share some lessons I learned the hard way when it comes to the world of heterosexual dating. Here goes.

-If a guy is constantly comparing you to his ex (saying how much prettier, cooler and better at life you are), there's a good chance you're just his rebound. You're still prettier, cooler and better at life than she is though.

-If an ex girlfriend shows up at your guy's apartment with breakfast and proceeds to put a hole in the door when she realizes there's another girl there, she will key your car. Do yourself a favor and stay away from them both.

-If you want to talk to some guy at an airport, eating a candy apple and giggling uncontrollably while getting red, stickiness all over your face is a great way to break the ice. But, really.

-If a guy disappears from the face of the Earth out of nowhere, he got back together with his ex and is too big a coward to tell you. Until you figure that out, you might think there's something wrong with you. There's not.

-If a dude wears plaid pants with chains and thinks it's hilarious to lick your face in front of all your friends, run away. Run as fast as you can no matter how hot your 14-year-old self thinks he is.

-If a guy has pierced nipples and can't walk past a mirror/shiny surface/reflective pond without visibly stopping to admire himself, he's definitely a douchelord and probably compensating for something (if you know what I mean).

-If a guy trying to get to know you via text (*first red flag*) claims to love live music and mentions Nickelback as one of his favorite concerts, just respond with, "If only your taste in music was as good as your taste in girls," and lose his number immediately.

-If a guy takes off his shirt at a party where no one else is shirtless, he probably also posts dirty-mirror-shirtless-selfies on Facebook. Abort immediately.

-If you invite a guy you're not totally comfortable with to a sorority date function (or anywhere, really), do not compensate for the weirdness by drinking your face off. You will vom everywhere and it won't be fun for anyone.

-If a dude you just met brags about his $300 (women's) sunglasses, loves John Mayer and spent more time on his hair than you did, he's going to hit on you even though he has a girlfriend. Hard pass.

-If a random guy you meet at a party insists on giving you a lap dance to 98 Degrees songs, just go with it. It'll be weird for a night and hilarious for the rest of your life.

-If a guy doesn't talk to you throughout your entire commute and hands you his number on a piece of notebook paper before he exits the train, don't call it. Or maybe do. I didn't, so I'm not really sure what happens.. but.. stranger danger!

-Not all guys who buy you drinks want your number, but if they do, just switch the last two numbers of your digits. That way it's easy to remember and (if you're a terrible liar like myself) you won't stutter. If he asks, your phone is dead.

-Never, ever settle. There are good ones out there. I've met them, dated them even. Life is too short to date douchebags. New life motto? 

How to Be a Heartbreaker by Marina & The Diamonds on Grooveshark

**Try not to take any of this too seriously. I certainly don't.**

18 comments:

  1. "If only your taste in music was as good as your taste in girls"- SO true...those Nicklebackers just need their hearing adjusted ;)

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  2. Haha! I love all of these. Too true.

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  3. Life to short to date dbags! I think I will have to remember that. I have learned that dating as a mom has made it so I get rid of dbags much, much faster. Before I was all, "eh, but they are good looking" now, I don't even attempt it.

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  4. Ahahaha! Call the number!! Someone I know once said, "Just go with it. It'll be weird for a night and hilarious for the rest of your life." ;)

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  5. These are fantastic, and so horrifyingly accurate..

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  6. HAHAHAHAH Thank you, thank you. I could have saved my post-high school self a boatload of trouble by reading these!

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  7. Haha, I love all of these! How funny :)

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  8. haha you're funny :D these are all true!

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  9. Did you call the guy from the train????

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  10. Haha, I LOVE this :)
    So glad I found your blog!

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  12. "Life is too short to date douchebags." -- Yep. Definitely a new life motto.

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  13. Hahaha...great post, MacKensie! And great advice! Life is MOS DEF too short to date douchebags...

    -LesLeigh J. of The Wildflower Way

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  14. words cannot express how happy i am that i don't have to date.

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  15. lol. love this! unfortunately the last 2 digits of my phone number are the same. whomp. hahahahaha.

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  16. Yes for this! Also add to the list: If you meet up with a guy you found while making fun of people on Craigslist and he's actually kind of cute and you wind up going on 5 dates, mutually agree to say you met at a coffee shop while studying for a midterm. Then it's not weird and your friends won't sit you down for an intervention.

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  17. why am i just reading this now? not sure exactly. but true true and true. oh and the never settle part? true x infinity. :)

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