I am no Carrie Bradshaw by any means, but as a single mid-twenties lady in a sea of engaged, married and knocked up bloggers, I thought I'd share some lessons I learned the hard way when it comes to the world of heterosexual dating. Here goes.
-If a guy is constantly comparing you to his ex (saying how much prettier, cooler and better at life you are), there's a good chance you're just his rebound. You're still prettier, cooler and better at life than she is though.
-If an ex girlfriend shows up at your guy's apartment with breakfast and proceeds to put a hole in the door when she realizes there's another girl there, she will key your car. Do yourself a favor and stay away from them both.
-If you want to talk to some guy at an airport, eating a candy apple and giggling uncontrollably while getting red, stickiness all over your face is a great way to break the ice. But, really.
-If a guy disappears from the face of the Earth out of nowhere, he got back together with his ex and is too big a coward to tell you. Until you figure that out, you might think there's something wrong with you. There's not.
-If a dude wears plaid pants with chains and thinks it's hilarious to lick your face in front of all your friends, run away. Run as fast as you can no matter how hot your 14-year-old self thinks he is.
-If a guy has pierced nipples and can't walk past a mirror/shiny surface/reflective pond without visibly stopping to admire himself, he's definitely a douchelord and probably compensating for something (if you know what I mean).
-If a guy trying to get to know you via text (*first red flag*) claims to love live music and mentions Nickelback as one of his favorite concerts, just respond with, "If only your taste in music was as good as your taste in girls," and lose his number immediately.
-If a guy takes off his shirt at a party where no one else is shirtless, he probably also posts dirty-mirror-shirtless-selfies on Facebook. Abort immediately.
-If you invite a guy you're not totally comfortable with to a sorority date function (or anywhere, really), do not compensate for the weirdness by drinking your face off. You will vom everywhere and it won't be fun for anyone.
-If a dude you just met brags about his $300 (women's) sunglasses, loves John Mayer and spent more time on his hair than you did, he's going to hit on you even though he has a girlfriend. Hard pass.
-If a random guy you meet at a party insists on giving you a lap dance to 98 Degrees songs, just go with it. It'll be weird for a night and hilarious for the rest of your life.
-If a guy doesn't talk to you throughout your entire commute and hands you his number on a piece of notebook paper before he exits the train, don't call it. Or maybe do. I didn't, so I'm not really sure what happens.. but.. stranger danger!
-Not all guys who buy you drinks want your number, but if they do, just switch the last two numbers of your digits. That way it's easy to remember and (if you're a terrible liar like myself) you won't stutter. If he asks, your phone is dead.
-Never, ever settle. There are good ones out there. I've met them, dated them even. Life is too short to date douchebags. New life motto?
**Try not to take any of this too seriously. I certainly don't.**