I've had a lot of time on my hands lately. During the week when my roommate and only two friends in this strange new place go off to work, I am free to cuddle my dog and sit down at the computer to reflect on my life, goals and current situation. Sure, there's also a lot of puzzle making, Netflix-ing, eating and running (and maybe some loneliness) involved too, but while in this in-between period of waiting to hear back from interviews and applying to any and every job listing I see, I definitely get some me-on-me time.
I never really knew what I wanted to "do" when I grew up. Even in college when I was forced to pick my major at preview, I chose journalism because my sister told me that's how I could become an editor. And I only thought I should be an editor because I was the obnoxious kid pointing out grammatical errors everywhere we went. Maybe that is a good indicator, but that doesn't mean I'm passionate about it. I never came across a major I thought I'd like better though, so I never changed it.
I know I love to write in this blog. That's why I've stuck with it for almost two years now. I love seeing my name in print and showing my mom my most recently published article, but I'm not in love with the articles I write. I realize not everyone lives for her job. Few people are lucky enough to wake up excited about doing the job they have chosen, to feel passionate toward their career path for years on end, but some people are. And I want to be one of them.
Last night I thought deeply about the things I'm passionate about and the things I would really love to learn. It went something like: music, writing, photography, Photoshop, html/CSS, design, running. I started thinking about the things I used to love that have been pushed aside multiple times in my life: performing, singing, drawing, painting, playing soccer, dancing, playing guitar.
I realized there are many things I stopped doing because I believed I wasn't good enough at them. I think there have been times when instead of pushing myself to be better, I tried something else to see if I was already better at it. At the end of the day I chose to forget how much fun these things were despite not being the best at them.
Now that I'm trying to find a career and settle into some sort of routine, I still don't know what I want to be, and I'm certainly not in a place (or economy) to be too picky about it. But I can do the things I love anyway. Even if my job is a chore for now, whatever it may be, if I continue to learn and pursue the things I enjoy (regardless of how great or lousy I am at them) I believe I will be satisfied.
For now, what I want to "be" is creative. This blog has been the best creative outlet for me for the past two years. I want to actively pursue greatness with it, too. I want to learn html, photography and photoshop so that I can improve my skill set and churn out better and more beautiful content every day.
And if I have to serve tables until I can afford a badass camera, photography lessons and Adobe Creative Suite, then so be it. My goal is to keep learning. No matter how hopeless or lost I feel, I must keep learning and something will come of it eventually. I am confident of that.